Thursday, December 31, 2015

Star Wars vii Synopsis - A (Hopefully) Funny Review

Star Wars vii synopsis.

It starts with "the 1st order" which is lead by (Felicity) Snoak, as portrayed by Andy Serkis.  This is easily the weakest part of the movie because Ceasar would have made a far cooler sith lord.

after trashing a town with an Obi Wan Clone we found out the truth about storm troopers: that they are secretly Wayans.

This Wayans trooper, whose has quickly named has decided he doesn't want to be a Wayans anymore, so runs away (and rightly so)

He at least acts way better then Snails from dungeons and dragons the movie, so gold star. :)

after Finn the ex-wayans frees what better be the son of Wedge Antilles, we cut across to the other lead.

A Hunger Games Girl that is known as Rey "Samantha Carter", because heavens forbid we have a flawed female protagonist.

She finds a magic 8 ball droid who changes her fortune.

This is the point where they decided to brighten the screen so we could actually see the action.

After escaping the stormtroopers whom decided to stomp the planet in search of the magic 8 ball droid, our heroes end up on the Macguffian Falcon.

It is pulled in where they meet some old guy and his Mog. Barf has never looked slimmer.

Naturally the old guy is Indiana Jones trying to get some rare specimens back to a museum where he is attacked by rival clans that want the specimens for themselves.

and just like in Indiana Jones, it destroys everybody not worthy.  In this case by eating them.

However Wayan's brand stormtroopers taste bad so it gives enough time for Rey Carter to save the day.

They then go to a generic cantina that is run by a golden girl, either Bea Arthur or Estelle Getty.  She is very easily the best character in the movie.

She tells Rey Carter that she isn't special enough and tries to give her a lightsaber, that causes Rey to run away screaming.

meanwhile we get a flashback to Joseph Goebbels doing a speech before they fire their "new and improved" death star that has blackjack, hookers and can be seen destroying Corescant and several other planets by Han, despite not being in the same solar system.

Finn is smart enough to take the lightsaber when Kylo Zuko forces attacks, where we find out he's a way better son to Indy then Shia Labeuf ever was.

he captures Rey Carter, but the rest of the cast are saved by X-Wings, which, because they are in an atmosphere, you would actually hear all those cool sounds.

They return to the rebel base.  Where we meet Princess Leia who could still rock the slave bikini if she wanted to, but Disney banned it so she wouldn't.  Han and Leia talk about where they went wrong with their son.  

but not before c-3p0 shows off his red right hand. He must have been making deals so I'm looking forward to seeing the results of it in future movies.

They then enter a meeting which has Admiral "its a trap" Akbar and Matt Parkman from Heroes discuss strategy. 

meanwhile Kylo Zuko tries to interrogate Rey Carter, but it doesn't go very well, so he sends Michael J. Caboose from the popular web series Red vs Blue but he lets her go.

Kylo Zuko doesn't take Rey Carter's escape very well, and throws a hissy fit, causing Simmons and Grif to backup down the be her friend, 

The x-wings attack for a bombing run, but because they had neither Luke nor Wedge leading the attack, they weren't very important.

Han tries to appeal to Kylo Zuko by saying he's a better actor then Shia, but gets cut down because Kylo Zuko felt like he was being mocked.

Barf takes offence and shoots him right in the side and then hits the explosives that he and Indy setup.

We then end up in British Columbia where it is snowing, where Finn does his best effort to actually succeed at something, but fails, just like in the rest of the movie.

so we take a page out of Lady Snowblood and have an epic fight that shows you really don't need training, just to believe.  
So remember that the next time you join a cult. 

They return back to hug Princess Leia, when r2d2 comes out of his a coma.  The truth is he was just tired of listening to c-3p0.

They then fly to the rocky shores of Ireland where Luke Skywalker gives us the "how far do I have to go before people get the message" stare and the episode ends.

In short

I loved it. :D.

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